When the Questions Became Real

When R was just two weeks old , we officially began the evaluation process for J. I remember holding this brand-new little life in my arms while filling out pages of questions about my first baby. Questions about skills, responses, habits, things other kids were doing that mine wasn’t. It felt strange… almost unfair. I had barely slept. I was healing. My hormones were everywhere. And suddenly I was being asked to analyze every corner of J’s development.

It was overwhelming in a way I still struggle to describe. Trying to remember everything from J’s birth to present moment was a task I wasn’t prepared for.

Balancing Two Different Worlds

On one hand, I had this sweet newborn who needed me in all the ways newborns do — feeding, rocking, comforting, surviving those long nights.

On the other hand, I had a toddler who needed me in completely different ways — ways I didn’t fully understand yet.

I felt like I couldn’t do it. I felt like these children deserved a Mom so much better than me. Honestly, I still feel like that (that’s a topic for another day!)

Motherhood suddenly felt like two different worlds existing at the same time. This was my second go around – I thought I had it figured out by this point. WRONG.

Some days (very few of them), I felt like I was doing okay.

Other days (most of them), I felt like I was failing both of them.

The First Appointments

The first evaluation appointments were mostly paperwork, phone calls, and waiting lists… so many waiting lists. Everyone kept saying the same thing:

“Early Intervention is busy.”

“It might be a few months.”

“Just keep an eye on things.”

I was honestly getting tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. I just wanted answers and I wanted to know how we could best help J.

The waiting list for Autism Evaluations is ridiculous. One of the local clinics that did Autism evaluations had a waiting list until JUNE 2024 – this was August 2023! I couldn’t believe it.

I remember answering developmental questionnaires – so many questions. About my pregnancy, any complications, his birth – the list goes on and on.  I remember trying to think clearly while J lined up his toys in perfect rows beside me. I remember wondering if I was overreacting, or if I was already behind.

The Emotional Tug-of-War

The hardest part wasn’t the appointments or the forms — it was the guilt that lived between them.

Guilt that maybe I didn’t catch the signs early enough.

Guilt that I wasn’t giving J everything he needed.

Guilt that R was getting a version of me that felt stretched thin and anxious.

But underneath all the fear and doubt, something stronger was growing: determination.

I didn’t know exactly what we were heading toward, but I knew one thing for sure — I wanted J to have every door opened for him. Every opportunity. Every ounce of support. And I would do whatever I had to do to get it.

First Steps

Despite the long wait list, J qualified for called “Help Me Grow” – it is an Early Intervention program in our area that helps families of children who need extra help – in our case, it was a Speech Delay and need for an Autism Evaluation.

This program helped us tremendously in many ways – but the biggest way it helped us – was getting J pushed to the front of the line for an evaluation. He was going to age out of the program at 3 – and this was Oct/Nov of 2023 – he only had a few months left.

Because of this we begun our evaluation process in December – right before Christmas. Let me tell you – if you haven’t been through an evaluation yet – it is not a quick appointment – and it wasn’t a single appointment. It was very involved and very mentally draining. I was still dealing with postpartum depression, and I was going back to work after maternity leave.

 Walking Into the Evaluation

Walking into that first official evaluation felt like stepping into the unknown. I remember sitting in the waiting room and my mind going 1000 miles a minute. Part of me wanted to scoop him up and protect him from every question, every test, every label. Another part of me knew this was the doorway to the support he desperately needed — even if I wasn’t ready for the answers.

The evaluation itself was long. A couple hours of watching the specialists interact with J, asking him to do tasks - some he did, and others he has no interest in.

They asked him to stack blocks.

Point to pictures.

Respond to his name.

Follow simple directions.

I kept telling myself not to cry — that this wasn’t about me, it was about him — but watching your child struggle through things other kids seem to do effortlessly… it hits a part of you that you didn’t even know existed.

I was so envious of everyone else’s children, I longed to hear “Mama” - consistently and with intention - Why did this have to happen to my son?

Trying to Hold It Together

By the time we got home, I felt completely drained. The mental load of postpartum recovery, going back to work, caring for a newborn, and navigating J’s evaluations felt like too much for one person to hold.

But that’s the thing about motherhood — sometimes you don’t realize how strong you are until you have no choice but to be.

I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness that I couldn’t take away the challenges he was facing.

The Wait for Answers

After the evaluation session, we were told it would take a little time to review everything and schedule a feedback appointment, in a couple months.

More waiting.

More overthinking.

More wondering what the final answer would be.

It felt like our entire lives were paused, hovering between what we knew and what we were about to learn.

And that’s where the next part of our journey really begins.