Sending My Autistic Child to Kindergarten: The Emotions No One Prepared Me For.

In just a few weeks, I will be sending my little boy off to kindergarten.

Somehow, I blinked, and my little 7lb 3oz baby boy is now 5 and a half years old.

I didn’t realize how many emotions would come with starting kindergarten.

Some excitement.

I’m proud.

I’m nervous.

There is constant wonder.

And to be honest, I am scared.

Looking Back

If someone had told me a year ago that we would be ready for kindergarten, I am not sure I would have believed them. I say it all the time, “Our lives are just going to look a little different, and that’s okay.”

We have overcome challenges I have never expected to face, celebrated small victories that others may not ever notice, and grown in ways I never thought possible. Is there still a way to go? Of course. But the level of pride I feel when I see how far J (and our whole family) has come since his diagnosis, is tough to put into words.

After receiving his autism diagnosis, I was so afraid of what his future would look like. I didn’t know if he would talk or learn how to use the potty. I instantly thought about if he would have his own family one day, if he would be a functional member of society.  It felt like the picture I had imagined for my first-born son suddenly changed.

Then, a new picture started to emerge.  

A little boy with so much love.

A little boy who tries so hard.

A little boy who has such a bright imagination.

A little boy who may need to work twice as hard for some things in life, but other things will come natural to him.

A little boy who will persevere no matter what life throws at him.

The amount of growth J experienced when he started preschool amazed us. He went from not talking, to being able to communicate with us. He learned how to follow routine at school vs home and adapted quickly to such a new environment.

I am hopeful that he will continue that trajectory throughout his school career.

The Worries

The list of worries that exist as a parent, begin to grow the moment “pregnant” appears.

Instantly worried about their well being at the very delicate beginning of pregnancy, and it continues to….well……. I’ll let you know if I ever find someone who says the worry ends.

Truth be told, the worries never disappear. They just change as our children grow.

And if I am being honest, when you find out your child has special needs, the list instantly grows 5x bigger than it was yesterday.

Starting kindergarten has a whole new set of worries.

Will he make friends?

Will other children notice he is different?

Will he notice he is different?

Will other children be kind?

Will a new teacher treat him with kindness and compassion?

Will he ask for help when he needs it?

Will he have an accident at school?

Will he want to eat lunch?

Will he be overwhelmed?

It’s easy for someone to look at this list and say “Try not to worry”. I wish it was that simple.

The hardest part about sending your child to kindergarten isn’t buying school supplies or labeling backpacks. It’s handing your heart to someone you’ve only just met and trusting them to care for one of the people you love most in the world.

As parents, we spend years learning our children. We know their routines, their triggers, their safe foods, the things that make them laugh, and what can completely derail their day. Then one morning, we’re expected to just walk them into a classroom, say goodbye, and trust that someone else will learn those things too.

I often wonder….

How am I going to be able to trust someone else with my child all day?

Will he be safe?

Will his teacher see him – not just his diagnosis, but the funny, kind, curious little boy that he is?

And right at this moment, all I can do is wonder.

Choosing Hope

The truth is, I don’t have all the answers to these questions. I often wonder if I will ever have the answers to the hundreds of questions I have. That is a big part of what I struggle with, the not knowing.

I can’t promise kindergarten will be easy.

I can’t promise the transition won’t be tough.

There will be moments of uncertainty and times where I wonder if we are doing the right thing.

But I can choose hope.

I can choose to believe that his teachers will take the time to know him beyond his diagnosis. I can choose to believe there will be classmates who include him, celebrate him, and appreciate him for exactly who he is.  I can choose to believe that no one will ever try to change him.

I can and should choose to believe that he is capable of more than I sometimes give him credit for.

If there is one thing (and there have been many things) that J has taught me over the last 5 and a half years, it’s that he is constantly surprising me.

Every milestone that once felt impossible, eventually became possile.

Not on my timeline.

Not on the doctor’s timeline.

Not on the school’s timeline.

On his own timeline.

And that will always be good enough.

Letting Go

I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is learning how to let go.

First, it’s going back to work.

Then preschool.

Now kindergarten.

You want nothing more than to protect your children from every single bad thing in this world. You want to keep them safe in a bubble where sickness, heartbreak, disappointment and pain don’t exist. I know how unrealistic that is. But it is still something I wish was possible.

Every milestone he has made has just shown me that I need to loosen my grip just enough to let him grow. I never want to be the reason my children cannot grow into the smart and capable young men I know they will be one day.

As an autism mom, that can feel a little extra difficult. I’ve spent years learning what helps J thrive, and letting someone else step into that role, even for part of the day, is extremely hard.

As much as I want to, I know I can’t hold his hand forever.

My job isn’t to protect him from every challenge life throws at him.

My job is to give him the confidence to face those challenges, knowing I will always be here when he needs me. No questions asked.

The Beginning of a New Chapter

A few weeks from now, I will cry as we watch him walk into kindergarten.

Not because I don’t think he’s ready (it’s me who isn’t ready).

But because I am realizing how fast he grew up.

I am realizing how far we have come.

The little boy I once worried about starting preschool….

The little boy I wondered if he would ever be potty trained….

The little boy who has taught me more about patience, resilience, and unconditional love than I ever thought possible….

He is growing up.

Kindergarten isn’t just the start of a new school year.

It’s the beginning of a brand-new chapter for all of us.

I know there will be wonderful days, and I know there will be hard days. That is true for all children.

I am working on letting hope take the lead instead of fear, it’s not easy and it’s something I continue to struggle with.

Because if autism has taught me anything, it’s this:

Our children’s journeys may look different.

Different never meant less.

And as I watch part of my heart walk through those school doors, I’ll be trying to remind myself of something I’ve had to learn over and over again….

Our lives may look a little bit different

……and that’s okay.

Wishing all of the students, teachers and families a safe, healthy, and wonderful school year. ❤️