When Everyone Else’s Child Is Potty Trained…..and Yours Isn’t.

Every time someone asked if J was potty trained, I felt my stomach sink.

If there is one thing that I highly anticipated as a parent, it was potty training. I had seen and heard so many stories about it - the good, the bad and the ugly. I thought to myself, “how are we going to do this?”.

The Pressure to Potty Train by a Certain Age

I will say, it does feel like there is an unspoken expectation for your child to be potty trained by a certain age. In my opinion, this age is around 3, 3 and a half.  When we found out J was autistic, I suspected potty training might look a little different for us.

If your child isn’t potty trained by a certain age, you feel like you have to start explaining yourself. You feel like everyone is looking at you with judgement in their eyes. You almost don’t want to bring it up because of the fear of scrutiny from other people.  Since our autism diagnosis, I’ve always said “our lives are just going to look a little bit different”.

It took me awhile to add “….and that’s okay” to that statement.

It took a lot of letting go of the picture I had in my head of what parenthood was supposed to look like.

Comparing Your Child to Everyone Else

It was hard to watch people I knew with kids younger than J, and they were potty trained and he was not. He started his first year of preschool at 3 and a half and he was not potty trained yet. I was so nervous about sending him to school for many reasons, but one of the reasons was because he wasn’t potty trained yet. It was always my understanding that you had to be potty trained to go to school.

Well, this is not always the case.

Due to J’s autism diagnosis, things were different for him. We had it included in his IEP about not being potty trained yet. I also did not like the idea of someone other than a family member changing him, because that’s all he had ever known.

“Am I Doing Something Wrong?”

I have always felt like everything is my fault, even long before I became a mom. This intensified when I became a mom.

I had seen and been told that you cannot make them use the bathroom, and I have had people tell me they tried this technique and it didn’t work out well. I was very adamant about letting J come around to it on his own. We did all of the things. Tried a little potty, regular potty, gave him the option to sit or stand , tried just telling him “it’s time to sit” , rewards, sticker charts, special screen time - you name it, we probably tried it.

He would sit from time to time and go every now and then, but it was nothing consistent at all. As he got closer to turning 4, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was my fault he was not potty trained yet.

Was I not trying with him hard enough?

I felt like a lot of it was my fault because I work full-time and I just didn’t have time to work with him as much as I wanted to on it. I was trying to juggle everything while wondering if I was somehow letting him down.

On top of all that, I was learning about an autism diagnosis and we had a new baby.

As I learned more about autism, I also learned that potty training isn’t always as straightforward as people think. There are real reasons it can take longer, and understanding those reasons changed the way I viewed our journey.

Why Potty Training Can Be More Difficult for Autistic Children

One of the hardest parts of potty training an autistic child is realizing that many of the “typical” potty training methods just don’t work the same way. It’s not because your child is being stubborn or because you’re doing something wrong. There are often underlying challenges that can make the process take longer.

Interoception (recognizing body signals)

Some autistic children have difficulty noticing or interpreting signals from their own bodies. They may not recognize that they need to use the bathroom until it’s too late, or they may not connect that feeling with what they’re supposed to do next. This isn’t something they can simply “try harder” to notice.

Sensory differences

Bathrooms can be overwhelming. The sound of a flushing toilet, bright lights, the feeling of sitting on a cold toilet seat, or even the sensation of wet versus dry clothing can all be uncomfortable or distressing. Something that seems minor to us can feel intense for an autistic child.

Changes in routine

Many autistic children thrive on predictability. Potty training introduces a completely new routine and new expectations, which can feel overwhelming. Even small changes to a familiar routine may take time to adjust to.

Communication differences

Some children may have difficulty telling you they need to go or understanding verbal reminders. Others may communicate in ways that are easy to miss if you’re expecting typical cues.

Motor planning and coordination

For some autistic children, the physical steps involved in using the toilet—recognizing the need to go, getting to the bathroom, pulling clothing down, sitting, wiping, flushing, washing hands, and getting dressed again—can feel like a long sequence of challenging tasks.

Every Child Is Different

Not every autistic child will experience all of these challenges, and some may not struggle with potty training at all. Autism looks different for every child. But understanding that these factors can play a role helps shift the conversation away from blame.

If potty training is taking longer than you expected, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It may simply mean your child needs a different approach—and a little more time.

We Waited Until He Was Ready

If you had asked me a few months ago if I thought we’d be where we are today, I’m not sure I would have believed it.

Over the last couple of weeks, something has changed.

J has been doing incredibly well with potty training. He’s wearing big boy underwear every single day, staying dry, and using the bathroom consistently. Seeing him so proud of himself has been one of those parenting moments I’ll never forget.

Looking back, I truly believe one of the biggest reasons he’s been so successful is because we waited until he was ready.

That doesn’t mean we ignored potty training or never encouraged him. We practiced. We offered opportunities. We celebrated the small wins. But we also tried not to let the pressure of an imaginary timeline dictate what was best for him.

Could we have pushed harder? Maybe.

Would it have worked? I honestly don’t think so.

Instead, we gave him the time he needed to understand his body, become comfortable with the routine, and build the confidence to do it on his own. When he was ready, everything started to click.

As parents, we’re constantly comparing our children to everyone else’s. We worry when they aren’t meeting milestones “on time.” But autism has taught me something I wish I had learned much sooner.

Our kids are not behind.

They’re on their timeline.

And sometimes, the best thing we can do is trust that they’re getting there—even if the path looks different than we imagined.

If you’re reading this with an older child who’s still in pull-ups, I want you to know you’re not alone. I know the pressure. I know the questions. I know the guilt.

But I also know that progress can happen when you least expect it.

One day, this chapter will be part of your story too. Until then, give yourself—and your child—the grace you both deserve.