Parenting an Autistic Child and a Neurotypical Child in a World Not Built for Both
Parenting an autistic child is one journey.
Parenting a neurotypical child is another.
Parenting both at the same time?
Some days it feels like living in two different worlds and trying to make them meet in the middle.
Some days it’s feeling like you are stretched so thin, and not sure how much more you have to give. But you keep going anyway.
The hardest part isn’t that one child needs more and the other needs less.
It’s that they both need me — in completely different ways — often at the exact same time.
With J, life is about structure, predictability, and routine.
With R, life is fast, loud, wild, and full of constant motion.
They both can be calm, they both can be full of chaos.
And I’m standing in the middle, trying to be both the calm and the chaos, depending on which child needs what - they are never the same at the same time.
And the truth is…
the world isn’t built for either of them. And it’s a scary reality.
Not for kids who need sensory safety and understanding.
Not for kids who are curious, energetic, and want to run full-speed everywhere.
Definitely not for families trying to parent both.
Some days, I feel like I’m choosing. And it tears me up every time.
Who needs me right now?
Who’s melting down first?
Who needs regulating?
Who needs redirecting?
Who needs holding?
Who needs space?
It’s a balancing act that nobody prepared me for.
There are moments I’m soothing J through over stimulation while R is climbing on the furniture(usually right over me) needing attention in his own big, busy way.
There are moments I’m celebrating R’s typical milestones… while grieving the fact that milestones look different for J — even though I’m so proud of him.
There are moments I see R watching, learning, and trying to be patient in ways kids his age shouldn’t have to be.
And moments when J looks at R and they speak their own special language that they are beginning to develop.
And then there are the moments the world doesn’t see:
The guilt of feeling pulled in two directions.
The fear that one child feels overlooked,
The constant trying to not treat one more different than the other.
The constant wondering if you are doing enough for both.
The exhaustion of switching between parenting styles every five minutes.
The feeling is like being a brand new parent all over again with your second child.
The constant fear of the world not accepting your autistic child for who they are.
But there’s beauty, too.
Watching R naturally learn empathy, flexibility, patience.
Watching J teach R how to slow down, be gentle, communicate differently.
Watching them love each other in a way that doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s version of sibling love.
They don’t fit the world’s mold — separately or together. Honestly - who does fit the worlds mold anymore?
But they fit perfectly in our home, in our family, in the small world I’m trying to build for them, all while trying to protect them from this big scary world.
A world where R gets to be the joyful, energetic little brother he is…
and J gets to be understood, supported, and truly seen for who he is…
and I don’t have to choose whose needs matter more.
They were meant to be our children. I didn't see myself as the mom of a special needs child, but God knew he was meant to be my son. God also knew I needed to learn patience - which is why I have R.
I love him to the ends of the Earth but WOW is he a handful. LOL - he takes terrible 2’s to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
Parenting an autistic child and a neurotypical child isn’t about dividing love.
It’s about multiplying it — stretching it, reshaping it, learning new languages for it, and finding connection in unexpected places.
It’s messy.
It’s beautiful.
It’s overwhelming.
And it’s ours.
As hard as it is, and as long as the days seem - I would never trade this life for anything. I love those boys with every fiber in my body. I pray that they never ever forget that. And I hope they grow up knowing Mom always tried her best.
