How We Reduced Mealtime Anxiety in Our House

I used to think I would be the kind of mom who could get her kids to eat anything and everything. It couldn’t be that hard, right?

Wrong.

When I had my first son, I remember pinning so many different fun food ideas for toddlers. I like to be prepared. I imagined making all these Pinterest-style plates and how happy my son would be to eat them.

Wrong again.

As my son got older, feeding him just became harder. Honestly, mealtimes stressed me out. I did not look forward to dinner time. Eating should be about as natural as breathing—we need to eat to survive, right?

For a long time, I would go through phases where I tried not to push him to eat. But that wouldn’t last long before I became pushy and stressed again. Looking back, that did not help anything. If anything, it may have made things worse.

Eventually it got to the point where I was just out of ideas. His doctors weren’t worried, so why should I be?

But I was.

I felt like I was failing him as his mother because I was supposed to make sure he ate a balanced diet. Meanwhile, he was living off Pringles and pretzels—with a sprinkle of other “sometimes” foods.

At some point, I realized that when I stopped trying to force things, my stress around mealtimes started to go away.

When I say “force,” I don’t mean I was making him eat foods he didn’t want. I mean I kept hoping that if I just kept presenting these foods, he would magically start eating them.

I was living in a fantasy world, and I needed to get out of it before I drove myself insane.

When J started feeding therapy, I learned something that really changed my perspective. There can be around 32 steps before a child is ready to actually try a new food.

The first step?

Simply being able to be in the same room as the food.

Once I heard that, I realized things could actually be much harder than what we were experiencing.

From that point on, I stopped worrying so much about what he was eating. At least he was eating something.

Now, any kind of interaction he has with a new food is considered a win in our house. If he touches it, allows it near him, or takes a single bite—we celebrate it.

We are also pretty laid back when it comes to eating. We aren’t typically an “everyone sits at the table” kind of family, and honestly, that works for us.

Most of the time we eat in the living room. The boys might watch TV or play on their tablets.

And that’s okay.

It was also really helpful for me to talk with his feeding team about the approach we were taking at home. When they validated what we were doing, it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

One of the things they always told me was to “meet him where he’s at.”

Once I stopped trying to bring him up to a level he wasn’t ready for, I started meeting him at his level instead.

His level looked like eating the same snacks every day, often in the same bowl. He was happy, and honestly, that made me feel better too.

I also started setting very realistic goals for him.

For example, he loved Apple Jacks cereal. My goal wasn’t suddenly getting him to eat a full balanced breakfast—it was simply getting him to eat a few different types of cereal.

Once I started thinking this way, the pressure around mealtimes slowly disappeared. I just went with the flow.

Later, when I started meeting with our feeding psychologist, I received even more validation that this approach was appropriate.

When we eventually received the ARFID diagnosis, everything finally made sense.

J isn’t just a picky eater. He eats the foods that feel safe to him. Foods outside of that safe list simply don’t feel safe in his mind.

So again, we meet him where he is.

That takes the pressure off of me to try to push things he realistically isn’t ready for. And I can only imagine it takes pressure off of him too. He gets to eat the foods that feel comfortable and predictable.

It makes mealtimes a better experience for everyone.

Do I wish he ate more foods?

Of course.

But now that I understand why things are the way they are, our home feels calmer around food. And that alone has made a huge difference.